The ‘I’ matters

The ‘I’ in me matters today, but for many years it did not live. It existed somewhere. It lay dormant.

The ‘I’ was lost between trying very hard to be a loyal daughter and trying equally hard to be a dutiful government employee.  The family and the employer (organization) came first. I think it was similar to Shiv Khera's “Country first…the nation above everything…” He says “serving the nation is not a sacrifice but a privilege” and I support him but would like to add that the ‘I’ in us must live in order to be able to serve better. Sustainable individuals can ensure a sustainable nation. That is the reason I think that Education is considered the core of the Nation’s Heart. Educated Citizens matter to the nation. However, within this educated citizen must live the ‘I’. This is my belief.

In the years that ‘I’ didn’t live, my mind and actions were conditioned by my sense of gratitude – to my parents for providing me my basic needs while I was growing up; and to my government for educating and grooming me. Even after becoming a mother my duty remained more or less fixed – i.e. on my parents and my organization. I recognize and understand today that my children were deprived of the love, care and attention they deserved from their mother. I am guilty of that and it is impossible to make up for it, I admit. I can only caution others from repeating what I did and I guess smart people are not doing this anyways. I wasn’t smart. I was a robot. No exaggeration. It’s absolutely true. That doesn’t mean I didn’t have brains. I did, but they functioned under certain fixed conditions. They were useless for the ‘I’ in me. It was nobody’s doing but my own. I was to blame.

When I view my bygone days through the lens of my current knowledge and understanding of success and openness, I do not see the ‘I’ in me. I see several persons accommodated within me. I see too many responsibilities. I see too many diversions.  I see no path paved for the ‘I’ in me. It was no wonder then that I found myself with nothing to call my own. My children’s father became a joy for other women. My children became the children of their grandparents. I was mother to them only in the sense of a provider. I couldn’t even claim I loved them if ‘love’ were to be defined as an ‘action’ rather than a ‘feeling.’ The land that I paid for was not in my name, therefore not mine. Nothing was mine and that was because ‘I’ didn’t live.

It was also no wonder that my professional ability was losing stability. It was sitting on a lame chair – rickety; falling every now and then. I must’ve been drained of energy from picking myself up constantly, but that awareness did not exist either.

I remember when I was growing up as a boarder in school I used to think everything would fall in place if we were educated and moral. That’s what we were taught. I would get a job and that meant being able to take care of my parents’ needs as a dutiful daughter. I thought happiness meant keeping my parents happy. I thought loyalty meant working selflessly. Everything had to do with following a pre-determined process and I was one of the significant inputs. It didn’t matter where the process led and what value my actions added. The value they added to my own life was out of the question as I wasn’t even alive. 

I do not know for sure when I started experiencing unhappiness, but I remember it had become unbearable in 2004. That was the only time I recognized the ‘I’ in me was missing, so it is easy for me to believe Amartya Sen when he says that we humans have to experience unhappiness to recognize our discontentment with life. When I began to feel unhappy, I began to see a lot more of the world. I think when you live in a deep dark hole you become numb. You don’t feel any pinches, including those of unfairness. I had become oblivious of people’s actions and progress around me. When I came out of my deep dark hole it wasn’t gradual but more like the sudden gush of lava from a dormant volcano. I found myself at the edge of a cliff, which means I had only one option – to turn around, retrace my steps and start from scratch. So, in effect, it’s been only around five years since my life truly began….since I truly started living. If my dear friends are reading this blog, I think they would understand best what I mean. They were the ones that kept me going during the times ‘I’ wasn’t alive. My parents may not understand. My past employer (organization) may not understand either. My old colleagues may – not sure.  

I had to, of course, do a lot of reflecting and contemplating. I had to find the lost ‘I’ in me and to be able to do that I had to detach myself from friends. I had to identify my strengths and weaknesses. I had to invest time on my true strengths and turn some of my weaknesses (that had potential) into strengths too. I had to look for opportunities to use my strengths. I had to even take the help of spiritual masters to understand the real me. Today, I am ‘I’ with a more clearly focused mind. I know what I want. I have a vision and a mission of my own. Hellen Keller had said, quotes Shiv Khera, “Having eyesight with no vision was worse than not having eyesight.” How true! That’s why I was in a deep dark hole, I think.

Shiv Khera says jealous people stab you at the back and sympathize with you in front of you. I came to know who my true friends were and who pretended to be so but were actually jealous. I am aware I have many more hurdles to cross, but I’m proud that I’ve made a beginning. I already see things falling in place. In a sense it is true that Education and Morality can make things fall in place, but not without continuous learning, relearning, unlearning, motivation and courage.  Being conditioned, fixed and playing safe does not get you very far. Success under such circumstances is an illusion, therefore temporary. Once you are on your own, you can only survive through your own capability, courage and determination. The important thing is to invest in building your production capability, as highlighted by Stephen R. Covey, and all tough professional challenges can be overcome. Nothing in life is without challenges. That is a fact. How we deal with that is by building our capacity to meet those challenges courageously and with dignity. And, to be able to focus on building your capability you have to be motivated and courageous. Your vision, mission and belief in morality provide you that motivation and courage. My production had suddenly taken a downhill trend in 2004, which meant my capability had exhausted. Why wouldn’t it? I was conditioned and fixed. I wasn’t proactive. I wasn’t courageous. I was blind. There was no refueling either. And, worst of all, jealous colleagues were trying to pull me down and I wasn't even aware of it.  

I have colleagues/friends telling me today, “You still attend workshops?” My perspective of attending workshops is that I’m being proactive. Some probably think we people are golden geese once we have completed our formal education. The sad thing is that’s what some parents and relatives think and expect much too much from their children. This leads some children into living beyond their means and in essence living a hypocritical life. Appearing they have but not having anything actually. I’m sure anyone reading this can imagine where that can most probably lead to if not corrected on time. We pay a lot of attention to rural poverty, but I often wonder if urban poverty is overlooked in the process. Many people, who belong to rural areas by census but reside in urban areas, have no assets to their names. All that many of them have is a job that provides monthly salary that goes into ever increasing recurrent expenditure. No savings. No investments. The jobs don’t make our future. The ‘I’ in us makes our future! What we do with our capability makes our future. The effect of the capable ‘I’ is our future. So, having a job doesn’t really assure your future. What you do with the job is what makes your future.

I completed my Masters in 1995! Fifteen years ago! Thanks to the government. Would I be as capable today if I were stagnant with my 1995 Masters knowledge? Stephen R. Covey’s wisdom makes us aware that we tend to miss out the fact that effectiveness does not grow with production but rather with production capability. I’m glad I chanced upon this wisdom and I embrace it wholeheartedly. People without courage look for shortcuts and end up being immoral and then end up in a terrible mess.  We can see this happening to corrupt people today. We might blame corrupt behavior on external factors, but the fact is that anything that can corrupt corrupts only those that are already corruptible.  And, those who are corruptible are cowards as well as selfish. They do not have the capacity to be loyal to the nation because they deprive the nation of its capacity to keep its people happy. They are hypocritical if they say they are loyal or patriotic and we are equally hypocritical to trust them or fools to be won over by their sweet talks. I think I strayed a little bit here, nevertheless not absolutely irrelevant, right?

When I say I discovered the ‘I’ in me, that doesn’t mean I stopped being a grateful daughter or a loyal citizen. In fact, I am now a Triple Gemmed Golden Goose – a Capable Individual, a Dutiful Daughter and Mother and a Loyal Citizen. I believe if we are fine as individuals, we can be effectively dutiful and intelligently loyal. I think that matters more and I believe that’s what His Majesty our Fifth King Druk Gyalpo Jigme Khaser Namgyel Wangchuck meant by “loyal intelligently.” I see myself producing better and, therefore, being sustainably useful to my parents and my country and being able to love my husband and children responsibly. The important thing is to focus on your Production Capability in addition to your Production – on the ‘goose’ as well as the ‘eggs’ - something I learnt from Stephen R. Covey’s wisdom.  It’s our production capability that’ll enable us to do what we want for ourselves, our family, our community and our nation, but our focus on production must also remain. I think it is this same notion that we are talking about when we say 'human capacity building.' In other words, teaching to fish rather than giving fish. This is perhaps the essence in Honourable Lyonpo Thakur Singh Powdyel’s  ‘As I am so is my Nation,’ but of course with morality emphasized. I think you cannot just be moral and not be able to produce. There has to be a balance between ‘being’ and ‘doing’ – being moral; doing the right things and doing the right things rightly to bring about measurable effect in our lives.

So, who am I today? I am a happy person. ..as simple as that. But, the happiness in me is not in just being a golden goose to others. That’s what I was when the ‘I’ didn’t live. My happiness is in being as much an individual as a member of my family and a citizen of my country. We are born as individuals and for a reason. We must respect the individual in us – not forget it! Others must also respect the individual in us. We must respect the individual in others too. Sacrifice doesn’t mean forgetting yourself. In fact, it means making yourself capable enough to do justice to your own well-being and the well-being of all others that matter. It means using our resources efficiently and effectively, which requires of us to sacrifice our undesirable desires (in other words, saying no to ourselves assertively when we demand unreasonably). When we forget ourselves, we’ve accepted defeat. A defeated person cannot make sacrifices, for then s/he has nothing to sacrifice. S/he can only lead her/himself to depression and possibly to self destruction or suicide. Think of the people who harm themselves. They do so because they have lost respect for the ‘I’ in them. They are not bad people, but victims of incapability.   

Having discovered the ‘I’ in me, what can I say about what this ‘I’ wants? Basically, to have no regrets when I grow old and unproductive. No regrets that I was corrupt. No regrets that I wasted myself. Just simple happy and resting in retirement in a house of my own with a kitchen garden at the backyard and some greenery around. Happy that I was there for my parents. Happy that my children are standing on their own feet. Happy that I’m not a burden on my children. Happy that my nation’s resources are not wasted. Happy that I’m well connected to the people in the community that I live. Happy about who I turned out to be. This is the vision I have. The mission is self explanatory. Of course, if I die before 100% accomplishment of my vision, then too bad. That’ll hopefully teach the youth of today and tomorrow to start their life early.

To those who are unemployed/jobless I’d like to say, 

“You’re not incapable. You just didn’t get what you’re capable of doing. Discover the ‘I’ in you. Discover your capability. Every person has talent. Discover that talent. Make it your dream and you will find opportunities that match your talent. Whatever you do, don’t give up. There are stories of people having started a new life after retirement from service – i.e. in their 60’s - and found success. Trust the 'I' in you. It matters.”